Unraveling

I apologize in advance if this post seems overly personal and the thoughts extremely scattered.  They are and it is.  This is merely MY experience coming home.  From deployment.  From a combat zone.  From a trauma hospital.  Back to my life that has completely changed in the time since I've returned.  I'm not the same person who left over a year ago.  That girl is gone...

Dear Mom,

I've been home almost four months now.  Four months since I set foot on US soil again.  Yet some days it feels like I left yesterday.  I've struggled to put this all into words... but I'm going to try because I feel like it may be a form of therapy, and trust me, I could probably use that about now. 

People constantly ask me questions..." How was it?" "How are you?".  Such well intentioned, innocent questions.  And yet the answers still allude me.  It's not that I don't try to answer, but in all honesty I don't think I can.  So usually I just give the same answer, "life changing."  It was...

They prepared us so well to go there.  Every element of trauma, combat, and life covered in excruciating detail.  Of course they glossed over the things we could expect upon return... and then again as we processed out in Germany.  But we barely listened.  We were tired.  Really tired.  Bone deep kinda tired.  Seven months in Afghan land will do that to a person I guess. 

We were given lists of symptoms we might experience as we returned to our "normal" lives.  And I truly think if life occurred in list form I may have understood the signs.  But that's not the way it works.  Life isn't organized like that.  Life is messy.  Sticky fingers, kids yelling, people shouting, world changing kinda messy.  It was easy to miss the signs.  I missed the signs.

Put me in a small space with crowds and you'll find me pressed against a wall on the verge of tears.  Normal. Perfectly normal.

Sleep... or the lack of it.  Waking up every few hours from the nightmares not always of things I'd seen... but of being trapped, unable to get home.  Of course sometimes there were bombs and broken bodies, but that isn't always the case.  Normal.

Racking sobs at a commercial or a movie trailer that vaguely reminds me of life there.  Tears running down my face dragging my mascara with it.  Normal.

But it's not normal, is it?  I'm not "normal" anymore.  WE aren't normal.  Those of us who have lived in that place aren't normal.  We have to adjust to our new normal, but we aren't the same.

But why?  I wasn't beyond the wire constantly on guard and fearing for my life with every step.  I wasn't wearing my body armor knowing it was the only line of defense between me and an IED.  I wasn't the one rolling into the trauma bay on a gurney and full of blood.  That wasn't me. 

I've been a nurse for a while now.  I've worked in a trauma center since day one.  I've seen death on every level.  The expected, the senseless, the hopeless.  I've seen it all.  I've held hands as life has slipped away.  I've been the only witness to last breaths and final prayers.  Why was life and death in this place so different?

I've figured out a small piece of that difference.  A small string in the unraveling of this post-Afghan life.  It was about walls.  Those high, almost insurmountable walls I had built around my heart.  In the states we all know that every patient has a story.  But I don't know it.  I don't live it.  I can keep them at arms length and not let it get to me.  Those walls came down there.  The patients there were not merely patients.  Many were friends, comrades, brothers and sisters in arms. 

The boy in trauma bay one had sat at the next table at the DFAC that morning.  The girl in bay four had passed me on the street on her way to the motor pool to head out on her mission.  The Major standing at the foot of the bed had been in front of me at church last Sunday.  The boys milling about the trauma bay had been here before, many times.  Some so often they'd earned nicknames.

I'd stood beside them at countless Purple Heart ceremonies.  Seen their faces in too many crowds.  Knew their names.  They were fighting for me, with me, next to me, in front of me.  They were so familiar to me that every time my pager went off it came with the fear that I would know the face in front of me on the gurney.  These patients were personal.  They were not nameless.  I knew their stories.  Even if I didn't know them directly, I lived the same life they did.  I wore the same uniform. There were no walls.  Only us against them.

While I still don't entirely understand the why of it all, this is a start to figuring out why a piece of me will always be at the base of those mountains in Southern Afghanistan.  A piece of all of us will be... and in that we have an everlasting camaraderie and kinship that will last a lifetime.

I know this is only the beginning of putting these pieces back together.  It's a long road and I'll always be a bit different now.  But I'm not broken, just bruised.  Fixable.

Life.  Changed.

XOXO,

Me

#whole30challenge

Prosciutto egg cups with veggies and guac...sweet potato with ghee

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you know I've started a new food adventure called the Whole 30 Challenge (check it out here and maybe you'll join in).  I originally heard about it from my friend Carrie who embarked on her own Whole 30 journey recently.  I was so inspired by her results that I did my homework, read the book, and set a start day for the day after I returned from my field training (more about that in a minute). 

Some may be wondering why I've strayed from my vegan adventures into a clearly Paleo way of eating...the answer is simple.  I went vegan as an experiment...could I improve my numbers (blood counts, lipids, etc) with diet alone.  I did.  Everything looked better one year later.  Now I'm experimenting again...can I have the same numbers or maybe even better ones while following a Paleo diet?  I'm using my body as the ultimate guinea pig...plus there is another aspect.  For years I've struggled with horrible IBS and general GI issues.  I've been poked, prodded, and scoped with only minimal answers and prescriptions I refuse to take.  Gluten free eating has thus far been the BEST thing I've done for my body...but I still suffer on a daily basis.  Even while strictly vegan I was still miserable quite often.  The Whole 30 diet, however, makes some pretty great claims in regards to helping with inflammatory GI issues (essentially IBS is a problem of inflammation with no known cause).  So there we are...a new culinary adventure...and hopefully a cure to what ails me...we shall see.

So there is the background...now back to the fun.  I'm on Day 4 now and I'm feeling awesome!  I have yet to experience the "hangover" that they claim may occur.  I'm attributing that mostly to the fact that I don't eat that horribly anyway...but we'll see...my hangover may be coming.  Yesterday I hit up my fav indulgence Whole Paycheck (aka Whole Foods Market). 



I coordinated myself as well as I could considering I was status post noc shift...and spent way too much money on beautiful veggies, fruits, and fresh meats (I actually bought from the deli and butcher counters and I NEVER do that!).  I then caught a quick nap and woke to start some serious cooking (which I will be continuing today).  I started with Paleo chili...followed up with roasting some yams, beets, and brussel sprouts.  I made some prosciutto cups as well for quick breakfasts (see cover picture).



Today will be grilling chicken, boiling eggs, pulled pork, thai beef stew, and fajitas...all before work tonight.  But hey, the rest of my week will be so much easier!!

As for the above mentioned time in the field, I spent the last time up at Camp Pendleton at the Naval Expeditionary Medical Training Institute (NEMTI) at an exercise called Coiled Viper.  I spent the week learning field medicine skills with other nurses, doctors, and corpsman.  I skipped the Trauma Nurse Core Course (since mine certification is current) and opted to take the Tactical Combat Casualty Course with the corpsman.  It's not required for officer's but I'm so glad I took it...it was entertaining and I learned so much as well as getting to teach some clinical skills.  I also let someone put a nasal airway in me as well as a few IV's...took one for the team I guess!  Anyway, the pics say it all...I had a blast and truly love my other job as a Navy Reserve RN. 














Until later...time to nap.

XOXO

Jackie

Reflections...

It's been a busy month...

Wait...no...it's been a busy YEAR.

A year full of awesomeness the likes of which I never could have imagined on Jan. 1, 2012.

But here I am...September 29, 2012...and so much has happened.

I rarely take time to look back, but now I wanted to reflect a bit.  I've covered most of it in my blog so I won't bore you...but quick synopsis...

Figuring out issues with amazing little boy, finally following up on years of health issues and starting to tackle them, attempted an ultramarathon, deployed husband came home, baby girl started kindergarten, little boy started 3rd grade, hubby got a well deserved selection to chief petty officer, hubby went through 6 weeks of h*ll to be a Chief, started a food blog to track my successes and failures in my gluten free/ mostly vegan cooking life, and I was selected to the U.S. Navy Reserve Nurse Corps and commissioned as an Ensign.

I may have missed a few milestones...but those ones stood out for me.

And if you missed that last one...yes, it's true...I've gone and done it.  I'm in the Navy now! 

 

It's something I've always dreamed of doing...and I was further inspired by this song and video (yes I know it's for the National Guard but it's very applicable...



And when you are married to a man who loves the Navy almost as much as he loves his country it's easy to be inspired to do great things...

It will be a while before I start...but the very long process has finally been completed (minus some more paperwork...duh)...and I'll be off to bootcamp fork and knife school before I know it!

Tomorrow is the last tri of the season...Mission Bay.  It was my very first triathlon 5 years ago and as I toe the line float in the freezing cold water sans wetsuit to save some precious seconds...I'll remember how far I've come....

From the 24 year old girl who had no clue what she was doing...barely making it through her first tri...making so many mistakes...consuming mass quantities of calories in a short sprint race...barely jogging through the run...dying on the bike...feeling awful about herself...

To now...confident young woman who knows this sport and knows her body better then she ever has...knows her nutrition like the back of her hand...loves the run...flys through the bike faster then she ever imagined she'd be able to (still not as fast as the awesome women she races...but fast enough to be proud)...racing for a place in the top five...or even top 10...or really just faster then the last time...cause that's really all that matters...steady progress forward.

Relentess forward motion.

Learning from past mistakes.

Forgiving errors.

 

Planning for bumps in the road (proverbial ones or literal ones!).

 

Enjoying every, single, blessed moment....

 

Being grateful that she has the ability every day to go out and do it...to swim...to bike...to run...

 

And now...the ability to serve...

Serve her patients...and serve her country.

It's as American as gluten free/vegan apple pie (cheezy, I know)...or possibly as American as a hamburger on the grill...wait I don't eat hamburgers...what's a girl to do? 

Make one that fits the bill!  Most of the store bought ones are loaded with wheat and therefore off the table for me...and some others I've tasted taste like...well...grass...fresh cut grass...hmmmm...

So I made one instead...infused with a bit of Thai flavor (maybe I'll be heading to Thailand with the USNS Mercy or Comfort...who knows).  This burger kicks some serious boo-tay...not that I'm biased. 

Thai Veggie Burgers

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 5-10 minutes

Ingredients (8 patties)

• 1 C quinoa (I used red but any kind will do)
• 2 C water
• 2 cubes vegan "chicken" bouillon
• 2 C cooked lentils
• 3 gloves garlic, pressed
• 1 tsp red curry paste
• 1 inch piece fresh ginger, grated
• 2 tbsp cilantro, finely chopped
• 1 C soy tempeh, crumbled
• 1 tsp miso paste
• 1/4 tsp tumeric
• 1/4 tsp coriander
• 1/4 tsp curry
• 1 tbsp tamari (or other gluten free soy sauce alternative such as Bragg's)
• 1 tbsp cornstarch (needed to help bind the patties...trust me, they fall apart without it!)

Instructions

Cook quinoa, water, and bouillon in a rice cooker or according to package directions on stovetop (though a rice cooker is like $10 and soooo worth it!). Meanwhile combine all other ingredients in a large bowl and mix well, mashing as you go. Once quinoa is cooked mix into bowl with all ingredients. Mix and form into patties. Place in pre greased pan and cook 2-3 minutes per side until slightly browned. Remove from pan and serve regular style or over a bed of veggies if you are so inclined...both taste great!

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Enjoy your day...enjoy your weekend...

Enjoy life...cause it's short...and precious.

Until next post...

XOXO

 

Jackie

All in a day's work...WIAW #2

Today is an abnormal What I Ate Wednesday (WIAW) since it's between 2 work nights for me (worked Tuesday night and work tonight).  I also had a breakfast gathering with coworkers right after work...so here is my day...work and all (starting at 2 am!). 

(FYI...It's now 9 a.m. and I'm heading for bed but I know what I'm eating all day and what I've already had...since I'm a super planner...so here is my day so far and what it will soon be!)

My first "meal" of the 24 hour period was a snack at 2 am.  A Van's waffle topped again with Powercakes chia jam (I made a bunch the other day and am semi obsessed with it!).

Breakfast was had at my favorite AM eatery...Snooze.

It's a common hangout for the nightshift crew...and if I don't get some of their fab gluten free pancakes I for sure get their tofu scramble with soyrizo and veggies (I pass the bread off to friends). I also split the "Donuts and Coffee" gluten free pancake...clearly not vegan but with a coffee flavored maple syrup I couldn't pass up some of the deliciousness!  It's what I was craving this morning...so it's what I had!

Now that I'm it's officially time for a shower and bed!  Night world!!

I'll be up at 5 pm to get ready for another night with the best coworkers ever!!

The rest of my meals are premade so I can eat something yummy before I head out the door tonight (yes, I eat very often).  Stuffed portabella mushrooms are a fav of mine and one of the first recipes I created when I went vegan...I now have them perfected!

Stuffed Portabella Mushrooms

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 30 min

Cook Time: 20 min

Ingredients (6 mushroom caps)

• 6 portabella mushrooms caps (cleaned)
• Olive oil for brushing
• 1 cup quinoa (I used red and white)
• 2 cups water
• 2 cubes vegan boullion
• 12 oz fresh basil
• 1/2 C olive oil
• 10 cloves garlic, peeled (you can use more or less depending on your love of garlic!)
• 1/2 C raw almonds
• 1/2 C nutritional yeast
• 1/4 tsp kosher salt
• 1/4 tsp fresh groud pepper
• 1 C raw green (kale, chard, spinach, etc)
• 6 slices daiya mozzarella cheese

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Clean mushrooms by breaking off stem and scooping out inside. Brush inside of mushroom with olive oil and place on baking sheet. Bake mushrooms for 10 min. Cook quinoa according to package directions or in a rice cooker (2:1 ratio of water to quinoa). Add vegan boullion to water to flavor.

Meanwhile blend remaining ingredients in a high power blender or in food processor. Scoop blended pesto into cooked mushroom caps and place slice of daiya cheese on top.

Bake for another 20 min until bubbly.

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I'll grab some coffee at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on my way to work (I'm feeling the Amaretto Soy Latte)...

Then the rest of my meals are packed in my large cooler...I have some coconut yogurt for a snack usually around 8 pm (with granola and figs of course)...

My fabulous 2nd dinner (which I always eat at 11pm) was premade the other day (also when I took the picture)...and boy will it be even better after a day in the fridge!  The entire recipe was from Scott Jurek's book Eat and Run...it is an amazing, inspiring book that I will definitely be talking about in the next few months once my own ultra training ramps up again (plus it also has great recipes).  So here it is!  Tempeh with a side of cabbage salad and a miso/thai dressing.

And that's all there will be for my day!  Phew...it's gonna fuel me through the next few busy days (and a bike workout tomorrow morning!)...but so full of yumminess!  Hope you enjoyed it cause I know I will!

XOXO

 

Jackie

Weekend Warrior

The title of this post has many meanings...I can't really consider myself a "weekend" warrior since I tend to work many weekends (working tonight actually).  My weekends usually occur during the week. 

Also, if you know me IRL (in real life) you know that I'm in the process of joining the Navy Reserves...and they are frequently called weekend warriors...but that's another post for another day.

This weekend however I felt like a weekend warrior...super busy, over planned, lots of tasks...

But I got it all done!!

My weekend started on Friday morning after I got off work.  My friend Alli and I headed over to Bonita Cove down in Mission Bay...what a beautiful morning it was!

We were really excited to get in the water!

After a swim/run combo we headed out to breakfast...only problem?  I forgot alternate footwear and ended up sporting my work shoes (love my Danskos!) to the cafe.

Oh well, no harm, no foul...though I may have gotten a small parking ticket...parking signs are much harder to read when you are sleep deprived!

Saturday was spent cleaning, chauffering, circuit training...

See...working out is fun!  Wheelbarreling reminds me of being a kid, but it's harder then I remembered!

Picnicing...(with my monstrous vegan, gluten free portabella mushroom sandwich and cilantro pesto tofu from Whole Paycheck Foods)...

And bbq'ing/playing around with our circus friends (Shanne's got this 2 high down!).

This morning though was when the real warrior'ing began (Angel was really, really trying to help).

Daddy took on a project (he likes to take things apart, what can I say?)...

Addy wanted to "reorganize" her room...

And of course, I cooked!

First on the menu was a chia jam recipe by Powercakes...

Then I thought to continue her recipe an easier way for a busy mom and stuffed the jam in Bob's Red Mill gluten free cornbread mix muffins.  I veganized the muffins by using vegan "butter", almond milk, and applesauce instead of eggs...they turned out WAY better then I planned!  Though I do plan on making her full recipe as I'm pretty sure they will be AMAZING pre-race (ANY race)!

Next up was my favorite chocolate pudding.  I adapted it from this recipe...and it worked so well! 

You could sweeten it up with more stevia if you want, or maybe some agave, but I prefer it not too sweet with more richness...hint, it's better once it sits in the fridge for a bit to really blend the flavors...just saying.

Now it's nap time for me and a few nights of work...seriously busy week ahead...I'll post on that later...lots of good things coming!  Night y'all!

Vegan Chocolate Pudding

by Jaclyn Trosper adapted from the Rawtarian

Prep Time: 10 min

Cook Time: N/A

Ingredients (Serves 4)

• 4 ripe avocados peeled and cored
• 6 figs (ends cut off)
• 4 T organic cocoa powder (unsweetened and plain)
• 16 drops liquid stevia (you could use agave or honey if you want, or even a flavored stevia would be amazing!)
• 2 tbsp almond milk to help blend

Instructions

Place all ingredients in blender or food processor. Mix well. I have a Vitamix so the consistency is super creamy...results may differ in other machines, but the idea is all the same. You can sweeten it up more if you want! Place in the fridge to set and let the flavors meld...what a treat!

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Finding Comfort

I've been thinking alot about comfort lately.

As a nurse it's my job to give it to others...to my patients...to their families...

Sometimes, for the sick and weary, it's hard to find...

For the grieving it may even be harder...

But comfort comes in many forms...

An outstretched hand to hold...a kind word...a tissue given in a moment of sadness...

Some much needed pain medicine...a warm bath...soothing words...

I am blessed to be able to bestow comfort upon others in their time of need.

But what about those who aren't sick?  How do they find comfort?

For some it's a soft blanket...a warm bed...a hot bath...a cup of tea.

For others it's in the arms of their loved ones...or the table of their best friends sharing stories over a glass of wine (holla!)

Still...for others...

It's in food.

Can you guess where I find my comfort???

Only half kidding...I've been known to find it in all of the above, but I do appreciate some good comfort food.

Once I went vegan I figured my days of real comfort food were over...

HA!

Was I wrong...there is an entire book devoted to vegan comfort junk food (comfort and junk are not always synonymous, but for this purpose they are).

Also, as I became more talented at cooking up my own fabulous vegan/gluten free food I was able to experiment and create some of my staple comfort foods in vegan fashion (partly how I became a food blogger of course).

In my normal life (i.e. when I'm not at the hospital) I still yearn to comfort others...and now I am still able to do that with healthy, nutrient dense, soul warming food. 

Also with kind words, encouraging posts (isn't that why you read this??), helpful hands, and a kind heart...or you can just cook up a batch of my staple comfort food...chili.

This recipe actually came about from my dad. 

He went vegan years ago and is a fabulous cook.  He also tends to dole out comfort to his family in the form of food.  This is his newly modified recipe.  He took some of the heat out so that the kids could enjoy it, but feel free to put some in in the form of peppers, soyrizo, whatever your heat loving soul desires!

Vegan Chili

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 30 min

Cook Time: 2 hours

Ingredients (1 large stockpot)

• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 yellow onions diced
• 2 yellow squash diced
• 2 gloves garlic chopped
• 4 carrots chopped
• 2 bell peppers (any color you choose) diced
• 2 cans organic pinto beans (drained)
• 2 cans organic garbanzo beans (drained)
• 2 cans organic kidney beans (drained)
• 2 cans organic black beans (undrained)
• 1 can organic refried black beans
• 1/2 C dried lentils (I used red but any color is fine)
• 5 tomatoes diced (from my garden!) OR 2 cans organic diced tomatoes
• 2 C water
• 1/2 C cilantro chopped
• 1/2 C chives chopped
• 1 C huumus (I use Trader Joes original)
• 2 tbsp cumin
• 2 tbsp Kosher salt
• 2 tbsp chili powder

Instructions

Place oil in large stockpot or dutch oven and heat. Cook onions, squash, and garlic until onions are translucent. Add carrots and bell peppers and cook for approx. 5 more minutes. Add all drained beans then add 2 cans black beans including liquid (be sure to look for BPA free cans such as Eden's Organic line). Add dried lentils, tomatoes, and remaining ingedients to pot. Bring to low simmer and cook, covered, for 2 hours until vegetables are soft (can cook longer). Be careful to stir frequently so as to prevent burning. Serve over quinoa, brown rice, or grain of choice. Top with avocado, vegan sour cream, or whatever sounds good! Enjoy!

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Jump for JOY!

 

 

Literally...I'm kind of jumping for joy.  My two nights of work are done (with no crazy mishaps) and I have two nights off (I've been doing only 1 night off for a while and it's exhausting!).  Annnddd...my juice cleanse is done!  I will admit I'm not a total fan.  But I feel lighter and a bit "cleaner."  It was an experience for sure but doing it while working was hard...except I did have the company of these two beautiful ladies to help me!
 

Showing off our white tongues as we detox...yum!

 

I may do a 24 hour juice cleanse monthly though just to keep things clean and detoxed.  Kris Carr in her book Crazy, Sexy, Diet advocates this idea as a way to periodically "clean house."  She does it weekly but I'll take baby steps.  As you may remember I have reason to keep things clean internally and not let the little cancer bugs back in my life...

 

Anyway, here is a little juice "porn" of the mixes I had for the past few days...

 

So much loveliness going into the juice!



Beet, apple, cucumber

 

Carrot and ginger (my fav)

Greens (kale, spinach, cucumber, celery, parsley, romaine) and apple, plum on top of carrot 

But now it's back to real food as I wind down with some green smoothie love and some veggies...luckily my kids wanted in and had some smoothie love with me (they specifically requested lettuce in theirs)

 

Tomorrow is a full day off and I'll spend it training to my little hearts content and then cooking up a storm as I whip up some new recipes I've been thinking over...let's just say I've been super inspired lately by the fabulous woman behind Sprint 2 The Table and her amazing recipes...so look for some carrot loving coming your way soon (not in this form...more of a muffin, but inspiration is inspiration)...

 

Speaking of inspired, I was majorly inspired recently as I gazed longingly on an Almond Joy bar that I couldn't bring myself to eat...so much crap included.  I KNEW I could improve on that...so I threw some things together...

 

 

...and VOILA!!!

 

Jump For (Almond) JOY Bars!!!

 

It's a revelation for me!!  I LOVE Almond Joy bars and these are a great substitute...they even got the hubby's seal of approval.  Enjoy until next time!

 

 

Jump for (Almond) Joy Bars

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 10 min

Cook Time: N/A

6031646

Ingredients (10 bars)

• 1/2 C coconut flakes
• 1/4 C dried tart cherries
• 2 tbsp unsweetened carob chips
• 1/2 C raw almonds
• 1 tbsp raw coconut crystals
• 1 tsp maca root powder
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• 4 tbsp agave
• 1 tbsp coconut oil

Instructions

Mix all ingredients in a food processor until well mixed.  Keep scraping sides of bowl to thoroughly mix.  Use extra coconut oil to well grease sheet of parchment paper.  Roll out mix onto sheet and cut into 10 small bars.  Place in fridge to set.  Devour as needed to feel amazing!

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