Unraveling

I apologize in advance if this post seems overly personal and the thoughts extremely scattered.  They are and it is.  This is merely MY experience coming home.  From deployment.  From a combat zone.  From a trauma hospital.  Back to my life that has completely changed in the time since I've returned.  I'm not the same person who left over a year ago.  That girl is gone...

Dear Mom,

I've been home almost four months now.  Four months since I set foot on US soil again.  Yet some days it feels like I left yesterday.  I've struggled to put this all into words... but I'm going to try because I feel like it may be a form of therapy, and trust me, I could probably use that about now. 

People constantly ask me questions..." How was it?" "How are you?".  Such well intentioned, innocent questions.  And yet the answers still allude me.  It's not that I don't try to answer, but in all honesty I don't think I can.  So usually I just give the same answer, "life changing."  It was...

They prepared us so well to go there.  Every element of trauma, combat, and life covered in excruciating detail.  Of course they glossed over the things we could expect upon return... and then again as we processed out in Germany.  But we barely listened.  We were tired.  Really tired.  Bone deep kinda tired.  Seven months in Afghan land will do that to a person I guess. 

We were given lists of symptoms we might experience as we returned to our "normal" lives.  And I truly think if life occurred in list form I may have understood the signs.  But that's not the way it works.  Life isn't organized like that.  Life is messy.  Sticky fingers, kids yelling, people shouting, world changing kinda messy.  It was easy to miss the signs.  I missed the signs.

Put me in a small space with crowds and you'll find me pressed against a wall on the verge of tears.  Normal. Perfectly normal.

Sleep... or the lack of it.  Waking up every few hours from the nightmares not always of things I'd seen... but of being trapped, unable to get home.  Of course sometimes there were bombs and broken bodies, but that isn't always the case.  Normal.

Racking sobs at a commercial or a movie trailer that vaguely reminds me of life there.  Tears running down my face dragging my mascara with it.  Normal.

But it's not normal, is it?  I'm not "normal" anymore.  WE aren't normal.  Those of us who have lived in that place aren't normal.  We have to adjust to our new normal, but we aren't the same.

But why?  I wasn't beyond the wire constantly on guard and fearing for my life with every step.  I wasn't wearing my body armor knowing it was the only line of defense between me and an IED.  I wasn't the one rolling into the trauma bay on a gurney and full of blood.  That wasn't me. 

I've been a nurse for a while now.  I've worked in a trauma center since day one.  I've seen death on every level.  The expected, the senseless, the hopeless.  I've seen it all.  I've held hands as life has slipped away.  I've been the only witness to last breaths and final prayers.  Why was life and death in this place so different?

I've figured out a small piece of that difference.  A small string in the unraveling of this post-Afghan life.  It was about walls.  Those high, almost insurmountable walls I had built around my heart.  In the states we all know that every patient has a story.  But I don't know it.  I don't live it.  I can keep them at arms length and not let it get to me.  Those walls came down there.  The patients there were not merely patients.  Many were friends, comrades, brothers and sisters in arms. 

The boy in trauma bay one had sat at the next table at the DFAC that morning.  The girl in bay four had passed me on the street on her way to the motor pool to head out on her mission.  The Major standing at the foot of the bed had been in front of me at church last Sunday.  The boys milling about the trauma bay had been here before, many times.  Some so often they'd earned nicknames.

I'd stood beside them at countless Purple Heart ceremonies.  Seen their faces in too many crowds.  Knew their names.  They were fighting for me, with me, next to me, in front of me.  They were so familiar to me that every time my pager went off it came with the fear that I would know the face in front of me on the gurney.  These patients were personal.  They were not nameless.  I knew their stories.  Even if I didn't know them directly, I lived the same life they did.  I wore the same uniform. There were no walls.  Only us against them.

While I still don't entirely understand the why of it all, this is a start to figuring out why a piece of me will always be at the base of those mountains in Southern Afghanistan.  A piece of all of us will be... and in that we have an everlasting camaraderie and kinship that will last a lifetime.

I know this is only the beginning of putting these pieces back together.  It's a long road and I'll always be a bit different now.  But I'm not broken, just bruised.  Fixable.

Life.  Changed.

XOXO,

Me

#whole30challenge

Prosciutto egg cups with veggies and guac...sweet potato with ghee

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you know I've started a new food adventure called the Whole 30 Challenge (check it out here and maybe you'll join in).  I originally heard about it from my friend Carrie who embarked on her own Whole 30 journey recently.  I was so inspired by her results that I did my homework, read the book, and set a start day for the day after I returned from my field training (more about that in a minute). 

Some may be wondering why I've strayed from my vegan adventures into a clearly Paleo way of eating...the answer is simple.  I went vegan as an experiment...could I improve my numbers (blood counts, lipids, etc) with diet alone.  I did.  Everything looked better one year later.  Now I'm experimenting again...can I have the same numbers or maybe even better ones while following a Paleo diet?  I'm using my body as the ultimate guinea pig...plus there is another aspect.  For years I've struggled with horrible IBS and general GI issues.  I've been poked, prodded, and scoped with only minimal answers and prescriptions I refuse to take.  Gluten free eating has thus far been the BEST thing I've done for my body...but I still suffer on a daily basis.  Even while strictly vegan I was still miserable quite often.  The Whole 30 diet, however, makes some pretty great claims in regards to helping with inflammatory GI issues (essentially IBS is a problem of inflammation with no known cause).  So there we are...a new culinary adventure...and hopefully a cure to what ails me...we shall see.

So there is the background...now back to the fun.  I'm on Day 4 now and I'm feeling awesome!  I have yet to experience the "hangover" that they claim may occur.  I'm attributing that mostly to the fact that I don't eat that horribly anyway...but we'll see...my hangover may be coming.  Yesterday I hit up my fav indulgence Whole Paycheck (aka Whole Foods Market). 



I coordinated myself as well as I could considering I was status post noc shift...and spent way too much money on beautiful veggies, fruits, and fresh meats (I actually bought from the deli and butcher counters and I NEVER do that!).  I then caught a quick nap and woke to start some serious cooking (which I will be continuing today).  I started with Paleo chili...followed up with roasting some yams, beets, and brussel sprouts.  I made some prosciutto cups as well for quick breakfasts (see cover picture).



Today will be grilling chicken, boiling eggs, pulled pork, thai beef stew, and fajitas...all before work tonight.  But hey, the rest of my week will be so much easier!!

As for the above mentioned time in the field, I spent the last time up at Camp Pendleton at the Naval Expeditionary Medical Training Institute (NEMTI) at an exercise called Coiled Viper.  I spent the week learning field medicine skills with other nurses, doctors, and corpsman.  I skipped the Trauma Nurse Core Course (since mine certification is current) and opted to take the Tactical Combat Casualty Course with the corpsman.  It's not required for officer's but I'm so glad I took it...it was entertaining and I learned so much as well as getting to teach some clinical skills.  I also let someone put a nasal airway in me as well as a few IV's...took one for the team I guess!  Anyway, the pics say it all...I had a blast and truly love my other job as a Navy Reserve RN. 














Until later...time to nap.

XOXO

Jackie

Reflections...

It's been a busy month...

Wait...no...it's been a busy YEAR.

A year full of awesomeness the likes of which I never could have imagined on Jan. 1, 2012.

But here I am...September 29, 2012...and so much has happened.

I rarely take time to look back, but now I wanted to reflect a bit.  I've covered most of it in my blog so I won't bore you...but quick synopsis...

Figuring out issues with amazing little boy, finally following up on years of health issues and starting to tackle them, attempted an ultramarathon, deployed husband came home, baby girl started kindergarten, little boy started 3rd grade, hubby got a well deserved selection to chief petty officer, hubby went through 6 weeks of h*ll to be a Chief, started a food blog to track my successes and failures in my gluten free/ mostly vegan cooking life, and I was selected to the U.S. Navy Reserve Nurse Corps and commissioned as an Ensign.

I may have missed a few milestones...but those ones stood out for me.

And if you missed that last one...yes, it's true...I've gone and done it.  I'm in the Navy now! 

 

It's something I've always dreamed of doing...and I was further inspired by this song and video (yes I know it's for the National Guard but it's very applicable...



And when you are married to a man who loves the Navy almost as much as he loves his country it's easy to be inspired to do great things...

It will be a while before I start...but the very long process has finally been completed (minus some more paperwork...duh)...and I'll be off to bootcamp fork and knife school before I know it!

Tomorrow is the last tri of the season...Mission Bay.  It was my very first triathlon 5 years ago and as I toe the line float in the freezing cold water sans wetsuit to save some precious seconds...I'll remember how far I've come....

From the 24 year old girl who had no clue what she was doing...barely making it through her first tri...making so many mistakes...consuming mass quantities of calories in a short sprint race...barely jogging through the run...dying on the bike...feeling awful about herself...

To now...confident young woman who knows this sport and knows her body better then she ever has...knows her nutrition like the back of her hand...loves the run...flys through the bike faster then she ever imagined she'd be able to (still not as fast as the awesome women she races...but fast enough to be proud)...racing for a place in the top five...or even top 10...or really just faster then the last time...cause that's really all that matters...steady progress forward.

Relentess forward motion.

Learning from past mistakes.

Forgiving errors.

 

Planning for bumps in the road (proverbial ones or literal ones!).

 

Enjoying every, single, blessed moment....

 

Being grateful that she has the ability every day to go out and do it...to swim...to bike...to run...

 

And now...the ability to serve...

Serve her patients...and serve her country.

It's as American as gluten free/vegan apple pie (cheezy, I know)...or possibly as American as a hamburger on the grill...wait I don't eat hamburgers...what's a girl to do? 

Make one that fits the bill!  Most of the store bought ones are loaded with wheat and therefore off the table for me...and some others I've tasted taste like...well...grass...fresh cut grass...hmmmm...

So I made one instead...infused with a bit of Thai flavor (maybe I'll be heading to Thailand with the USNS Mercy or Comfort...who knows).  This burger kicks some serious boo-tay...not that I'm biased. 

Thai Veggie Burgers

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 5-10 minutes

Ingredients (8 patties)

• 1 C quinoa (I used red but any kind will do)
• 2 C water
• 2 cubes vegan "chicken" bouillon
• 2 C cooked lentils
• 3 gloves garlic, pressed
• 1 tsp red curry paste
• 1 inch piece fresh ginger, grated
• 2 tbsp cilantro, finely chopped
• 1 C soy tempeh, crumbled
• 1 tsp miso paste
• 1/4 tsp tumeric
• 1/4 tsp coriander
• 1/4 tsp curry
• 1 tbsp tamari (or other gluten free soy sauce alternative such as Bragg's)
• 1 tbsp cornstarch (needed to help bind the patties...trust me, they fall apart without it!)

Instructions

Cook quinoa, water, and bouillon in a rice cooker or according to package directions on stovetop (though a rice cooker is like $10 and soooo worth it!). Meanwhile combine all other ingredients in a large bowl and mix well, mashing as you go. Once quinoa is cooked mix into bowl with all ingredients. Mix and form into patties. Place in pre greased pan and cook 2-3 minutes per side until slightly browned. Remove from pan and serve regular style or over a bed of veggies if you are so inclined...both taste great!

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Enjoy your day...enjoy your weekend...

Enjoy life...cause it's short...and precious.

Until next post...

XOXO

 

Jackie

Working for the Weekend

It's been a long while since my family has had a weekend together.

It's been a busy few months and this was the first time we were able to all be together all weekend. We milked it for all it was worth!

I know I've been neglecting the blog this week but with work, kids, hubby, and a head cold to boot it's been rough. I'm feeling back on track though and should be ready to roll for this next week. Tonight starts 3 more nights of work however...so the blog will be silent until Wednesday with a WIAW I hope!

Anyway...the weekend technically started on Thursday morning when I got off work. It was a quick beach run exploring the roads less taken...

 

 

And then breakfast on the boardwalk with my work buddy Alli. I had just gotten some fantastic news so we celebrated with mimosas!!

Please don't mind the decidedly un-vegan scrambled eggs...it's why I say I'm "mostly" vegan...hey, I'm not perfect!!

Oh, and what is this fantastic news you ask???

Well about six months ago I started the long process of being commissioned into the U.S. Navy Reserves Nurse Corps...and Thursday morning I found out I was selected!!!  I'll be commissioned into the Navy Reserves next week!!! 

More on that later...for now back to the weekend...

Thursday night we BBQ'd with friends and tried to get to bed early! 

Friday wasn't entirely exciting...some studying...grocery shopping...spent some quality time with my buddy Bex.  Again...to bed early for an early morning the next day.

Saturday started with the head cold in full force...but that couldn't stop me from dragging my butt out of a warm bed and into the cold waters of Mission Bay.  I'm lucky enough to be a mentor for the SheRox Triathlon Series here in San Diego.  I personally have 7 mentees and help put on clinics for the numerous other mentees in our area.  Saturday was our transition clinic and I was the demo girl for the "correct" way to transition...it was a great morning with amazing motivating women. 

After that we jetted home so I could eat and shower before taking the family to Balboa park.  Addy has ballet there weekly with the San Diego Civic Youth Ballet.  If you have a little ballerina and live in the San Diego area I highly recommend them! 

While Addy danced her little heart out we had a playdate with one of Shanne's friends from school.  We picked Addy up after class and let them all play in the fountain to cool off for a while before heading off to our next task...

We then went home to rest for a bit and prep for our long awaited date night!!

Mike has been so busy lately it's been hard to carve out some time for ourselves...but we had booked this night months in advance.  It was a murder mystery dinner in downtown SD with our good friends Daz and Sarah.  We dressed to the nines..

And started our evening at the Top of the Hyatt (more pics to follow later but they are all on Sarah's camera!!). 

We then cabbed it to the Marriot to start our dinner adventure....

Complete with murder...

 

And Mike acting ridiculous (doing Lion's Breath "face yoga")...don't ask...it's a long story...

Afterwards we headed to Searsucker bar in the Gaslamp. 

It was a great night followed by a rare morning sleeping in!!

This morning I had promised the hubs a big breakfast.  To him means biscuits and sausage gravy...clearly a vegan/gluten free nightmare!!

I make a non vegan/gluten filled version for hubby...but biscuits for the kids and I must be GF.  I found this mix...

And the cooking directions are already vegan when made with vegetable shortening...

Then I whipped up the rest of the gravy using my go-to soyrizo and my new fav vegan/gluten free goodie soy tempeh (I generally use soy products sparingly but at 22 grams of protein for 4 oz this stuff is vegan goodness!)...

Gluten Free Vegan "Sausage" Gravy

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 10 min

Cook Time: 5 min

Ingredients (Serves 4)

• 1 yellow onion diced
• 4 cloves garlic minced
• 2 oz soyrizo (soy chorizo)
• 2 oz soy tempeh crumbled
• 2 tbsp brown rice flour
• 1 tsp cornstarch
• 2 cups plain vegan milk (I used plain almond)
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 1/4 tsp kosher salt
• Fresh cilantro to taste

Instructions

In a greased saucepan cook onions until clear and slightly browning. Add garlic and continue to cook for another minute. Add soyrizo and finely crumbled tempeh. Cook until warm. Add brown rice flour and cornstarch and continue to stir. After another two minutes add milk and salt and pepper. Bring to a boil and stir continuously. The mixture will begin to thicken. Bring to a simmer, add cilantro and serve warm over warm gluten free biscuits.

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After that monstrous feast (there were hashbrowns, veggies, and eggs for the family)...it was time to harvest some tomatoes from the garden (tomato ideas anyone??)...

Now it's naptime!  Hope your weekend has shaped up as well as mine did!  Until later...enjoy!

XOXO

 

Jackie