Unraveling

I apologize in advance if this post seems overly personal and the thoughts extremely scattered.  They are and it is.  This is merely MY experience coming home.  From deployment.  From a combat zone.  From a trauma hospital.  Back to my life that has completely changed in the time since I've returned.  I'm not the same person who left over a year ago.  That girl is gone...

Dear Mom,

I've been home almost four months now.  Four months since I set foot on US soil again.  Yet some days it feels like I left yesterday.  I've struggled to put this all into words... but I'm going to try because I feel like it may be a form of therapy, and trust me, I could probably use that about now. 

People constantly ask me questions..." How was it?" "How are you?".  Such well intentioned, innocent questions.  And yet the answers still allude me.  It's not that I don't try to answer, but in all honesty I don't think I can.  So usually I just give the same answer, "life changing."  It was...

They prepared us so well to go there.  Every element of trauma, combat, and life covered in excruciating detail.  Of course they glossed over the things we could expect upon return... and then again as we processed out in Germany.  But we barely listened.  We were tired.  Really tired.  Bone deep kinda tired.  Seven months in Afghan land will do that to a person I guess. 

We were given lists of symptoms we might experience as we returned to our "normal" lives.  And I truly think if life occurred in list form I may have understood the signs.  But that's not the way it works.  Life isn't organized like that.  Life is messy.  Sticky fingers, kids yelling, people shouting, world changing kinda messy.  It was easy to miss the signs.  I missed the signs.

Put me in a small space with crowds and you'll find me pressed against a wall on the verge of tears.  Normal. Perfectly normal.

Sleep... or the lack of it.  Waking up every few hours from the nightmares not always of things I'd seen... but of being trapped, unable to get home.  Of course sometimes there were bombs and broken bodies, but that isn't always the case.  Normal.

Racking sobs at a commercial or a movie trailer that vaguely reminds me of life there.  Tears running down my face dragging my mascara with it.  Normal.

But it's not normal, is it?  I'm not "normal" anymore.  WE aren't normal.  Those of us who have lived in that place aren't normal.  We have to adjust to our new normal, but we aren't the same.

But why?  I wasn't beyond the wire constantly on guard and fearing for my life with every step.  I wasn't wearing my body armor knowing it was the only line of defense between me and an IED.  I wasn't the one rolling into the trauma bay on a gurney and full of blood.  That wasn't me. 

I've been a nurse for a while now.  I've worked in a trauma center since day one.  I've seen death on every level.  The expected, the senseless, the hopeless.  I've seen it all.  I've held hands as life has slipped away.  I've been the only witness to last breaths and final prayers.  Why was life and death in this place so different?

I've figured out a small piece of that difference.  A small string in the unraveling of this post-Afghan life.  It was about walls.  Those high, almost insurmountable walls I had built around my heart.  In the states we all know that every patient has a story.  But I don't know it.  I don't live it.  I can keep them at arms length and not let it get to me.  Those walls came down there.  The patients there were not merely patients.  Many were friends, comrades, brothers and sisters in arms. 

The boy in trauma bay one had sat at the next table at the DFAC that morning.  The girl in bay four had passed me on the street on her way to the motor pool to head out on her mission.  The Major standing at the foot of the bed had been in front of me at church last Sunday.  The boys milling about the trauma bay had been here before, many times.  Some so often they'd earned nicknames.

I'd stood beside them at countless Purple Heart ceremonies.  Seen their faces in too many crowds.  Knew their names.  They were fighting for me, with me, next to me, in front of me.  They were so familiar to me that every time my pager went off it came with the fear that I would know the face in front of me on the gurney.  These patients were personal.  They were not nameless.  I knew their stories.  Even if I didn't know them directly, I lived the same life they did.  I wore the same uniform. There were no walls.  Only us against them.

While I still don't entirely understand the why of it all, this is a start to figuring out why a piece of me will always be at the base of those mountains in Southern Afghanistan.  A piece of all of us will be... and in that we have an everlasting camaraderie and kinship that will last a lifetime.

I know this is only the beginning of putting these pieces back together.  It's a long road and I'll always be a bit different now.  But I'm not broken, just bruised.  Fixable.

Life.  Changed.

XOXO,

Me

It's Time

I feel like since leaving Afghanistan I’ve had what I can only describe as writers block towards putting a proverbial pen to paper on my experiences being gone for a year.  I have scribbled notes and half written blog posts from along the way... but nothing worthy of posting just yet.  Many moments couldn’t be written about at the time due to operational security risks.  But now I’m home.  And it's time.

 

It's time to give voice to the crazy memories made over a year.  Many were wonderful, some were terrible, others were life changing.

 

It's time to put in words the vast sacrifices we all made.

 

It's time to validate the time I took away from my family... to list reasons (if only for me now and maybe someday for my children) why I had to be there... why I made a difference.

 

It's time to at least slightly crack open the vault on moments I never, ever want to forget.

 

So here it goes... mostly in letter form as before... some in poetry.  Starting from where I left off (which was months ago).  Wish me luck, it may be a bumpy ride...

 

 

The In Between

Mom,

I'm not even sure how to explain this to you but I figured you might understand, so I'm going to try.  I've got about a month left until I check in... until I can start counting DOWN the days to coming home instead of counting UP the days until I leave.  Logistically I'm almost completely ready to go save a few little things.  Mentally I'm as prepared as I think I'm going to be to do this.  Emotionally... not quite there yet.  I think I'm fine... and then a song will come on the radio and I'll start crying.  Someone will ask me a question and I'll ponder it a bit too long because I've become lost in thought.  The kids will suddenly look at me and say something profoundly sad... that's the worst of them all.

The other night I went into Shanne's room to say goodnight to him... he sat up in bed, grabbed my face with both of his hands and said, "Mommy, please don't leave."  What do you say to that?  I didn't have words for that one, only a long hug as tears rolled silently down my face. 

But the most heart wrenching moment was shortly after I returned home from Alabama.  Addy must have heard me talking about some of the stories I heard from the nurses and medics who have already been down range... the inherent dangers associated with flying MEDEVAC missions in country.  I was in the kitchen when Addy came up to me with huge tears in her eyes.  I asked her what was wrong and her response nearly knocked the wind out of me..."Mommy, I don't want you to die." Then she started crying.  I held it together as I held her... but once she was settled down I went into my bathroom, sat on the floor, and sobbed.

There is no easy button for this part, is there?  No words to pacify the pain... no hug that will ever be tight enough to last 9 months... nothing to make up for the moments I'm going to miss.  The most difficult part is how I feel.  I'm ready to go... excited to go... looking forward to the challenge.  But the flip side of that coin is that I have to leave you all.  Leave my babies.  It's such a strange place to be. 

After all my years on the home front side of deployment I can now say with certainty that it's harder to be the one leaving (especially as a mom).  As the planner I not only feel responsible for making sure everything is ready to go at home... but I have to deal with the emotional fallout of leaving.  I will never diminish the challenges we, as military wives, face when our spouse leaves for a deployment.  But as the one at home you still have your version of normal everyday.  You see your children, tuck them into bed at night, watch them grow and change.  The one leaving doesn't get any of that.  They get a strange place, a strange land, with people who will ultimately become a surrogate family (for that I am eternally grateful).

So here we sit... one month to go... so much to look forward to between now and then.  Embrace it all, right?  Enjoy the time... but be ready for the pain.  Here goes nothing.

Love,

Me

XOXO

Reflections...

It's been a busy month...

Wait...no...it's been a busy YEAR.

A year full of awesomeness the likes of which I never could have imagined on Jan. 1, 2012.

But here I am...September 29, 2012...and so much has happened.

I rarely take time to look back, but now I wanted to reflect a bit.  I've covered most of it in my blog so I won't bore you...but quick synopsis...

Figuring out issues with amazing little boy, finally following up on years of health issues and starting to tackle them, attempted an ultramarathon, deployed husband came home, baby girl started kindergarten, little boy started 3rd grade, hubby got a well deserved selection to chief petty officer, hubby went through 6 weeks of h*ll to be a Chief, started a food blog to track my successes and failures in my gluten free/ mostly vegan cooking life, and I was selected to the U.S. Navy Reserve Nurse Corps and commissioned as an Ensign.

I may have missed a few milestones...but those ones stood out for me.

And if you missed that last one...yes, it's true...I've gone and done it.  I'm in the Navy now! 

 

It's something I've always dreamed of doing...and I was further inspired by this song and video (yes I know it's for the National Guard but it's very applicable...



And when you are married to a man who loves the Navy almost as much as he loves his country it's easy to be inspired to do great things...

It will be a while before I start...but the very long process has finally been completed (minus some more paperwork...duh)...and I'll be off to bootcamp fork and knife school before I know it!

Tomorrow is the last tri of the season...Mission Bay.  It was my very first triathlon 5 years ago and as I toe the line float in the freezing cold water sans wetsuit to save some precious seconds...I'll remember how far I've come....

From the 24 year old girl who had no clue what she was doing...barely making it through her first tri...making so many mistakes...consuming mass quantities of calories in a short sprint race...barely jogging through the run...dying on the bike...feeling awful about herself...

To now...confident young woman who knows this sport and knows her body better then she ever has...knows her nutrition like the back of her hand...loves the run...flys through the bike faster then she ever imagined she'd be able to (still not as fast as the awesome women she races...but fast enough to be proud)...racing for a place in the top five...or even top 10...or really just faster then the last time...cause that's really all that matters...steady progress forward.

Relentess forward motion.

Learning from past mistakes.

Forgiving errors.

 

Planning for bumps in the road (proverbial ones or literal ones!).

 

Enjoying every, single, blessed moment....

 

Being grateful that she has the ability every day to go out and do it...to swim...to bike...to run...

 

And now...the ability to serve...

Serve her patients...and serve her country.

It's as American as gluten free/vegan apple pie (cheezy, I know)...or possibly as American as a hamburger on the grill...wait I don't eat hamburgers...what's a girl to do? 

Make one that fits the bill!  Most of the store bought ones are loaded with wheat and therefore off the table for me...and some others I've tasted taste like...well...grass...fresh cut grass...hmmmm...

So I made one instead...infused with a bit of Thai flavor (maybe I'll be heading to Thailand with the USNS Mercy or Comfort...who knows).  This burger kicks some serious boo-tay...not that I'm biased. 

Thai Veggie Burgers

by Jaclyn Trosper

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 5-10 minutes

Ingredients (8 patties)

• 1 C quinoa (I used red but any kind will do)
• 2 C water
• 2 cubes vegan "chicken" bouillon
• 2 C cooked lentils
• 3 gloves garlic, pressed
• 1 tsp red curry paste
• 1 inch piece fresh ginger, grated
• 2 tbsp cilantro, finely chopped
• 1 C soy tempeh, crumbled
• 1 tsp miso paste
• 1/4 tsp tumeric
• 1/4 tsp coriander
• 1/4 tsp curry
• 1 tbsp tamari (or other gluten free soy sauce alternative such as Bragg's)
• 1 tbsp cornstarch (needed to help bind the patties...trust me, they fall apart without it!)

Instructions

Cook quinoa, water, and bouillon in a rice cooker or according to package directions on stovetop (though a rice cooker is like $10 and soooo worth it!). Meanwhile combine all other ingredients in a large bowl and mix well, mashing as you go. Once quinoa is cooked mix into bowl with all ingredients. Mix and form into patties. Place in pre greased pan and cook 2-3 minutes per side until slightly browned. Remove from pan and serve regular style or over a bed of veggies if you are so inclined...both taste great!

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Enjoy your day...enjoy your weekend...

Enjoy life...cause it's short...and precious.

Until next post...

XOXO

 

Jackie

Welcome to Crazy Town

I say that my life and home are crazy town in jest...but to know me is to know the truth of this statement...so because of this I only just recently realized it's been nearly a year since I last posted a single blog! So so sad on my part but a long break was needed...from this apparently, from racing, from training...from so many aspects of my life. This post is basically going to be one big catch up!

Going into this year I had so many lofty goals...and shortly after Palm Springs enduro weekend (first century ride on Saturday, half marathon on Sunday) I realized I needed a break. I never really took an off season or gave myself any time to just stop and breathe for a minute...I just kept hitting it hard and it all eventually caught up to me. So I stopped, cold turkey. I'm pretty sure I even had withdrawals. I raced only one other time this year and that was as the relay runner for the San Diego Triathlon Challenge...and I didn't even "race"...I just enjoyed the day with my best friends.

Now as the year comes to a close I'm starting to really feel the burn to train and race again. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't sat on my duff all year, I've been working out. And the payoff has actually been better then expected. I'm lighter, leaner, and stronger then I've been in a long time. I have paid attention to my diet, strength training, flexibility, and the balance of it all way more then I ever have before. But I've also learned to really listen to my body...so much so that I buried my Garmin in a drawer and barely used it all year. I dug it out last week (actually I had to borrow Mike's) and took it on a run around Balboa park....lo and behold I had a 7:59 min/mile average for just over 5 miles. Not to shabby for not paying attention all year! This will mean nothing as I head into the new year with a completely new goal in mind...to complete an ultramarathon. Haven't officially decided on a particular race, but it will be a 50K (30 miles) and it will be early in the year...looking forward to that challenge!

But there have been many other recent changes in my life that are going to affect me greatly going into 2012. First and foremost my husband has once again deployed. He left just last week aboard the USS Carl Vinson and won't be home until spring or summer. It's our 3rd deployment since we've been married but our first in almost 4 years. It's been an adjustment getting used to his absence again...moreso for how to deal with two children who are now older and understand the magnitude of the amount of time daddy will be gone...but we've been trucking along and getting by. Christmas will be a bit more lonely...but time passes and he will be home safely again before we know it.

Photo courtesy of USS Carl Vinson photographers

Work is also going to be keeping me busy as we roll into the new year. I can't even believe I've been on night shift for almost 2 years now. I can honestly still say I adore my job and I'm so lucky to be where I am. I am constantly learning and growing...and I'm surrounded by the most amazing team of nurses and doctors I could ever imagine. In January I will start taking classes for my CCRN (Critical Care RN certification test) and hope to take the exam by the end of Feb. This is a pretty big deal in the ICU community as it a daunting test that will really force me to buckle down and learn the core concepts of the human body as they apply to the patient populations I work with. I'm excited, nervous, and really ready for this challenge.

On the health front there have been some recent developments that have made me ponder my own decisions regarding my health and the steps I can take to ensure I stick around for a long time. Though I always considered myself basically healthy since I ate well and exercised a ton, a recent blood test revealed I had elevated total cholesterol, my LDL was high and my HDL was low. I wasn't entirely shocked as both my mom and dad have bad cholesterol. So I gave up milk (since it was bothering my stomach anyway) and tried to reduce my intake of red meats. Shortly after that I went to see my primary care doctor for a routine checkup. At the end of the appointment she told me she wanted me to see an oncologist (I'm currently in the process of moving all my personal healthcare from Naval medicine to my own insurance with the health group I work for as I feel I get much better continuity of care with them). I felt like this was coming out of left field but she explained with my crazy personal history and my awful family history of cancer that she didn't feel she could follow me adequately enough. So I was sent for labs and a number for an oncologist. Of course I stalled for a while...but I eventually got around to making an appointment with him. Once at the office I was told that my blood counts were abnormal (seriously?) so now more tests are pending...love the waiting game. It was also noted the my cholesterol numbers were still not normal (guess I didn't really lay off the red meat like I said I would). I also got a referral to GI to follow up on the years of stomach problems I've had an hopefully get some answers (I went gluten free over 2 years ago and that has helped immensely but hasn't gotten rid of all my problems). After these numerous blows and moments of clarity I realized I needed to make a drastic change.
This realization happened to correlate perfectly with my viewing of a movie/documentary called Forks Over Knives (www.forksoverknives.com). The entire premise of the film is the ridiculous links between the main diseases of the Western world (cancer, heart disease, etc) and an animal based diet. Numerous studies have shown that if people eat a plant based diet they can essentially halt and even reverse the spread or development of these diseases. After watching the film and doing a bit more research on my own I was convinced (of note my dad went vegan a few years ago due to health reasons and has completely reversed all his problems...hello proof!). Even Mike realized that a change was needed (this from the most self professed carnivore I know!). So I have now embarked on a new journey...veganism. And tomorrow (Dec 12th) is day one. I've been playing around with recipes for the past few weeks and sampling new brands and foods. I'm feeling amazing and not deprived in the least. I'm tracking my nutrition as testing has shown that I have a great metabolism and with lofty ultramarathon goals I can't afford to skimp on nutrition or calories. It's been touch and go but I'm finally dialing in the ability to hit my caloric goals (roughly 2200 cals on a good training day). I will be blogging alot about my adventures in vegan cooking and eating to be sure....should be a culinary blast!

Vegan Sushi for our kickoff dinner!

I think that about wraps up my updates and it's officially time for me to get some shut eye...lots to do tomorrow (isn't that always the case?). Looking forward to getting back into the swing of training and learning how to adapt to a new life of alternative eating. :)