Slightly Left of Level

 

 

Please excuse me while I push the pause button on my life...

 

 

There has a disruption to the level balance of my world.  While I'm aware I live my life in a way that most would never call balanced...or level if you will...to me I keep all the crazy in check and thrive despite 3 jobs, 2 kids, crazy athletics, and whatever else I take on.  But this...this throws it all out of whack...life less level...perhaps slightly to the left of level (because to be to the right of level might be ok). 

 

I always expected these things to start with a phone call...but no, this began with an email:

 

MEMBER TAGGED FOR MOBILIZATION

 

And so it begins...

 

I'm being mobilized (deployed) to Afghanistan.  Kandahar.  To the Role III Multinational Hospital as a critical care nurse.  I'm scheduled to leave in January and hopefully return by September.

 

So my life, as I know it, will be on pause.

 

In order to track this crazy journey I know I need to write...to remember, to vent, to process...but simply writing with no intent isn't going to capture the true essence, fear, adventure, drama, and dance of life at war.  So, at the suggestion of a brilliant friend, I'll be writing letters...addressed to my mom...one of the few people on earth I can be brutally, blatantly honest with.  To chronicle the good, bad, and extremely awful bits of life in a combat zone...

 

My mother is my rock.  She was a single mom and probably because of this she has always been more friend and confidant then mother (unless she needed to be mom...and then trust me...she is and was).  She also lives with us full time...which is one of the reasons I KNOW my children will be alright in my absence...but that's another topic...

 

So here's to life slightly to the left of level...struggling to find the balance...and waiting until I can have THIS moment...

 

 

 

 

Dear Mom,

 

I'm not really sure where to start.  I know that we've talked about this day.  Knew it would happen even.  But when that email came I went blank. 

I was sitting next to the campfire...trying really hard not to let the bottom of my sandals melt as I placed them on the metal fire pit, childishly trying to claim as much warmth as possible from the flames.  My phone vibrated slightly in my pocket...there, written in bold letters was the email title

 

MEMBER TAGGED FOR MOBILIZATION.

 

I'm not sure I read the words but rather absorbed them...you were my first phone call...you were so calm.  Thank you for that...always calm in my storm.

Telling Mike was difficult...he shrugged and moved on...I don't think he has confronted the reality yet...that I'M the one leaving, not him.

 

When I told Bex and Alli they both had similar reactions...silence.  And then a series of deep breathes.  I knew how they felt...because I had to do the same.  Just breathe...deep...breathe it in and let it all out.  There is nothing to be done to change it so I might as well embrace it.  Embrace the suck, right?

 

I called Dad too...later...asked him first if he was sitting down, he was.  I got an almost identical reaction from him.  I think that in the silence there is so much communication.  "I'm worried, I'm scared, that's so long, how will you do this, how will I do this?..."  Silence speaks volumes.

  

So here we are, a bit over 200 days until I check in.  About that many days left of my "normal" life.  There is so much to do and I don't even know where to start.  I know, from being on the homefront side of these things, that life goes on...I don't worry about you guys in that way.  I know my kids are strong...they will get through it and thrive (they are my offspring afterall).  But does life go on for me?  Do I get stuck in a proverbial groundhog day?  Do I change?  Do I grow?

 

I'm sure I'm bound for change.  I don't think you can spend that much time exposed to war and NOT change.  But will I change for the better...or collapse into a shell of who I was...

 

I'm scared.  I can't even lie.  I've never been in a situation where my own safety and security were seriously at risk.  And now I'll be living that reality day in and day out...for months

.

But you know what?  I'm excited too.  I have never shied from an experience...life is all about the experience, the journey.  My path has always been full of adventure and I guess this is just another one to talk about down the road, when I'm safely home again with my babies in my arms.  I know I will experience things I will never have the chance to again in life...and for that I'm excited...and ready.  As ready as I'm going to be.

 

And I'm proud...beyond proud.  I have a chance to use my hard earned nursing skills to heal our injured.  To create change in the lives of young Marines that have placed themselves on that huge altar of freedom in the names of us all.  I get to DO something, BE something...be the proud American you raised me to be.

Until then let's live the rest of this time...enjoy...no fast forward before the long pause....

 

I love you.

 

Love,

 

Me

XOXO